Thoughts.

You always think that the person you love you can tell them every single thing that's on your mind, every little thing that's bothering you and every little thing that makes you happy, but you learn that you can't. You learn to stop yourself because you either don't want to hurt that person you care so much about, make your self sound better than the person, or even just make the person question or be upset with themselves.

It's hard when you have to make someone happy, and try to make yourself happy at the same time.

But,

In the end its all worth it. 

Trust.

Why is it so hard to convince someone to trust you? Why is it so hard to convince yourself to trust that person?

Everyone has some degree and level of trust issues. And each person allows their trust issues to color the way they see the world around them, not just in relationships. Faith in the fairness of life. This faith in fairness is similar to the "boomerang belief," that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest or nurturing, they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually, get a negative favor in return, one that stings and hurts more.

Before allowing yourself to trust others you have to trust yourself.  I still don't trust myself, I still don't listen to my heart first. I don't trust that my opinions or my actions are correct. I question myself everyday, I question every action, every word and every step I take.

It's weird, I trust others before I trust myself.
Maybe that's why I usually get screwed.

Change.

Last night I had to say goodbye to a good friend as she leaves for college and a new beginning. I'm so happy for her, for all my friends, but as I watch them walk away and start a new life, full of excitement and new things; I realize I'm stuck in the exact same place, and I will be for a while. I'm not worried about being bored or lonely because I'm usually neither of those things, I always find something to do, and I always have someone to keep me occupied or entertained. I'm just worried about where I'm going. I have no path, no commitment, no exact schedule. I love being organized, even though I'm usually such an unorganized person. It's that fear of not knowing where my life is taking me. I feel like I'm playing this board game where there's so many twists and turns, so many opportunities and so many obstacles.
I just hope that through all of this and through my friends college experiences that we don't distance and grow apart. My friends have truly shaped me into the person today and have given me strength to succeed as much as I have. I appreciate every single one more than I could ever imagine. I know that people change, relationships change, and friendships change- but I always think that you should hold the ones that have CHANGED you as a person close to your heart.
 

“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”

Ridiculous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9tiAAkJNHk

Anger.

When I see you, I smile. When I see you, I say hi; give you a hug and make friendly conversation.
But, to be honest, you make me angry, you make me mad, you make me so so so frustrated. The fact that someone like you could make me so upset surprises me. Now when I hear your name I cringe.
You're one of those people that could read this and get easy satisfaction. This is the exact attention that you want.

I'm not trying to give you that satisfaction.
I've realized I already give you too much.

Family.

I just drove my uncle home from work which was about a 20 minute drive. We didn't talk for most of it, we sat there in silence as we drove down the coast and watched the waves. We only made little conversation, like "How was work?", "Did you have fun at shaver?", "How's Caysie, How's your boyfriend?" It wasn't awkward, not one bit; we simply enjoyed each others company.

When it was time to drop him off, we said our goodbyes as he opened the door and said "I love you." He started walking away and ran back as if he forgot something. He yelled "Dakota stop!" I stopped my car suddenly. He opened the car door and came back inside. He sat down and began another conversation. This time it wasn't short talk, wasn't mumbling, wasn't questions. He talked this time from his heart, from his caring, big, heart. I've never seen his heart before, I've never felt it, I've never had the opportunity to experience how warm it is.

He started to tell me about how my future is what I make it, my friends determine who I am as a person, my choices will determine the rest of my life. He started to talk to me about the problems he faced in his life with addiction, cigarettes, alcohol. He talked about working, and making your own money and how you should set a good life for yourself and make good examples. To be honest, I've heard most of this from my dad but from him it was different. He talked about my dad and about how his heart is huge, about how he cares about others before himself.

All of what he was saying affected me, it brought me to tears. But what really made me break down was the moment he said "You should be proud of yourself." "You should pat yourself on the back because you deserve more than what you have settled for." "You should be proud of yourself for never breaking down, you and your brother." No one, not ONE person has ever praised who I am and has to told me to be proud of myself. No one has ever made me feel for one MINUTE, for one SECOND like I deserve to be here as much as he did. He made me realize to be proud of who I am, to be thankful of who I am, and to be thankful and proud of what I accomplished.

The people you least expect could make you feel the strongest, the happiest, and the most thankful.

So thank you Uncle Eddie. I love you.

Happiness.

"When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, 

they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "Happy." They told me I didn't 

understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life."

 

Anxiety.

I'm stuck in the same place I've been stuck in now for the past 6 months. It's the same routine, 1 day after another. I'm really fucking sick of it. I'm sick of doing the same shit day after day with no new excitement. I feel like I'm stuck in quick sand and I have no escape. Instead of making an effort to escape, I just let it drown me and drag me down more and more. I have no motivation to fight my way out.

Recently I've been having such bad anxiety.
I wake up in the morning and I'm anxious. Before I go to bed I get anxious. When I hear my phone ring I get anxious. When I hear a beep that I have a text message, I get anxious. Walking around in crowded places makes me anxious. Even lying in bed with Dev makes me anxious.

I create these ideas in my head that aren't valid or that aren't true. I create these fucking mind games and voices that can eat my alive. I've never had anxiety before, never in my life. I get nervous so easily now, my heart races so much faster now.

It makes me nervous, anxious and scared.
I feel like recently I've been this scared little girl in this big world.

I need motivation, I need something new.

Touching.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iL1bvAnKJGw

I hate you.

I hate you for causing my mom so much pain.
I hate you for destroying her.
I hate you for making her hurt.
I hate you for making her scared.
I hate you for violating her space.
I hate you for taking advantage of her.
I hate you for manipulating,
lying,
abusing,
scarring her.
I hate you for betraying her.
I hate you for making her not be able to feel emotion.
I hate you for taking control of her life.
I hate you for creating this demon that was inside her.
I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you, and I don't even know you.

But I do have to say thank you, because through all of that pain, she's one of the strongest, most beautiful, inspiring people that I have ever met in my whole life.

Respect.

For some reason since I was in 5th grade I have always been judged, disliked or made fun of. Actually scratch that For some reason. I created this person ever since I was in 5th grade that has been judged, disliked or made fun of. No one else created this person, no one else shaped me into who I am today, nobody else told me how to portray myself. I put together this person. This person who was selfish, mean, bitchy, rude and judgmental. I don't regret being that person, I don't regret anything I ever did or said. Instead I learned from it. I learned that being mean or a bitch doesn't get you anywhere. It doesn't make you "cooler" or "more liked." Instead it made me look like a fool, someone who only cares about herself. I'm going to be honest. I haven't changed 100%. I still judge, I still make fun of, I still can be a bitch, but I have learned to not do those things so quickly. I have learned how much it hurts. I've walked in those shoes.

I want to be respected by everyone, but I always have to remind myself that not everybody is going to like me. Not everybody is going to respect me or want to be my friend. Everyone has different views and everyone has different opinions.

I used to be so good at making new friends. I'm not good at it anymore. I'm too scared to open up to people or trust people. I don't trust anyone anymore. I've been hurt so many times, I've had my heart pulled out of my chest and thrown onto the floor. It has been stepped on, thrown around and completely destroyed.  It's slowly being put back together, but its still not fully beating.

I've learned to not care about what other people think. I've realized that people are going to say things, people are going to WANT to purposely tear me down for their own enjoyment. I've realized people are going to judge me and not like me. There's nothing that I can do about that. There's nothing that I can do to change that. I've learned to let go of those people and just remember that there's people that like me for WHO I AM. If a person wants to completely tear me down, then that person isn't happy with themselves.

"Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

Why?

Do I worry?

Do I get jealous?

Don't I trust anyone?

Do I get angry so easily?

Do I always blame myself?

Don't I ever listen?

Don't I ever learn?

So real.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5rhhQbyYV0

Time.

They say that time heals everything. It heals all wounds, all scrapes, all cuts, all bruises. Bruises will leave your body in just a few days, your wounds will close up, your scrapes will leave little scars.  

but, Time can't heal loss. 

As much as you want it to, it doesn't heal or close up, it doesn't leave your body, it stays deep in your heart, engraved in your mind. It eats at you, it destroys you, it makes you weaker. It brings you down. It creates sadness, forgiveness and guilt. Instead of time healing those wounds and feelings, your wounds get deeper and more painful.
I never thought at the age of 17 I would already be faced with death. In 3 years time, I've graduated high school, fallen in love, danced everyday, been new places. I've grown, matured, learned. To think that so much has changed in such little time. To think that Dillon would be learning, growing, and maturing just like I have. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of that night, when I don't think of him. Dillon wasn't my close friend, wasn't my best friend, wasn't family, but there has NEVER been someone that has created such happiness and joy from a days time. There has never been a stranger that has been so welcoming. There has never been a person that I have met that has love pouring out from their body. To think and be that last hug he was able to give. I feel selfish. I feel like that hug shouldn't of been given to me. It should of been given to his family, his beautiful beautiful family. To his friends. Every single one of them. It's not fair, not fair at all.
Even though I have changed and time has gone by. Those wounds, those thoughts and those feelings have not.

Those wounds have gotten deeper, they've become more painful, more noticeable.

&& all it does, is hurt more and more.

INHALE

EXHALE.EXHALE.EXHALE.

Lost.

I've recently began to put less important things first. I don't know why I do it. Maybe I'm scared to approach the important things, or is it because the important things that matter mean change. I'm stubborn, I don't like to do the things that I don't want to do. I don't like being told what to do, or being told how to live my life. Recently I've been standing my ground and making decisions for myself. I used to be the person that "goes with the flow". Many of my friends have told me that. I would do things that wouldn't make me happy, I was always trying to please others.

You cant please others, if you can't please your self first. I'm trying to find happiness. I'm trying to find that 101% satisfication.

I'm happy, I really am. I'm so thankful for the people in my life. For an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends and amazing family, but there's something missing.

Something missing that doesn't involve other people and how they treat me. There's something missing in myself. I've been digging deep into the ground, past the weeds and the flowers and the seeds. I've been searching higher than the clouds and the stars, but for some reason that part of me that's missing is too hard to see or find.

Maybe I just have to stop searching for it, maybe it's something that can't be seen with the eyes.
Maybe its something that has to be felt with the heart. Not just half of my heart that I usually feel with, but the whole thing.

The
Whole
Thing...

Life.

“Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality."

The Devil Inside Her.

It was a summer night about 4 years ago and me and my brother decided to go swimming at the Rec Center up the street. We come home an hour later to a moment that would change my life forever. Sitting on the couch, making a lantern, swaying back and forth, eyes barely opened, she sits in silence. I go into my room, not making anything of it, thinking "Oh she's just tired." I mind my own business until I decide to go get some water before bed. I walk to the restroom and realize that I was being followed. All of a sudden I hear a BANG a hit to the wall, a knocking over of candles. I look to see her, hand on the wall, hoping that she can catch her balance. She leans away from the wall and continues to walk over towards me.

I can't hold her up, I try with everything I have, but I can't keep her from falling, I can't keep her from mumbling words that I've never heard before. Instead I do the one thing that I never thought I'd have to do. Yell help. That four letter word that you never have to want to yell. Help. I'm hoping that god can hear me, not just my dad. I'm hoping at that very moment that my screaming is called out to someone that can help this devil inside of her.

911 and 30 minutes later, she's carried onto the ambulance and to the hospital.

Mother, something inside of me yearns for you and no matter how hard I try, I will always have a void in my heart from reaching out to you and never being able to hold on to you. Something inside of me will always make me cry for you. Something inside of me will always wish so much more for you than what you have limited yourself to and settled for. Something inside of me will always wish you did not drink the way you did. Something deep inside of me will always love you and hate the alcohol that consumes you.

Fuck you alcohol. FUCK YOU.

Good Enough.

Do I make him happy? Does he question being with me? Does he ever think about her? Those are the most annoying, scary, ugly questions my heart and my mind play with me. It's like that nagging fly that you try to shoo away but it never leaves you alone. You always ask your self are you good enough. Fuck being good enough---- fuck worrying.

My thoughts, my mind games, my worrying is what makes problems and the relationship sometimes unsteady. It brings out the ugly side of me, the jealous, self conscious side of me. My mind holds on to the things it shouldn't. It holds on to things that shouldn't matter anymore. It remembers exact text messages, exact words, exact actions that don't do anything but tear me apart. Those 4 words "Wish I still Was" doesn't fucking leave my head, it makes me nauseous, makes me nervous, makes me scared, makes me wonder.
I never hurt as much as I did when I read those 2 text messages. My heart has never sunk so far into my stomach. I have never felt so much pain, so much hatred for someone, so much betrayal.

I struggled with letting that jealousy go for 5 months. I finally have been letting it go; finally have been believing and trusting that it's ME he loves, but my heart likes to tease me, likes to make me wonder, likes to play sick selfish games with my head.

I try so hard to make him happy, so hard to be that girl that he looks at and says "WOW, I'm the luckiest guy ever." You always want to be good enough, always want to be the best you can be for a person. You want to be that other persons shoulder, that other persons smile. You want to bring the best out in that person and even if I haven't reached it yet - I won't give up until I have reached it, until I have a grasp on it, a strong tight grasp.


Does he love me?


or 


Does he love her?

or am I so ridiculous to be thinking any of this in the first place.

Love.

I used to be so so so scared of commitment. I used to be so scared of letting someone in. I used to be so scared to let someone love me. I used to be so scared of loving that person back. I used to be so scared of falling in love. 

Now I'm scared to loose that person I have fallen in love with.  

Fear.

Recently I've been feeling, I guess you can say, confused, down, upset, lonely; and all those other words that I don't like to say or that I am, or that ANYONE is satisfied feeling. I've realized I've been kind of loosing my self or getting farther away from learning and realizing who I am as a person. I've been reaching for that place for a long time now. Searching, searching, searching. Instead of reaching that place, I either get lost in a maze of emotions, or hit some big bumps along the way. Its easy to say that everyone should know who they are as a person from the time they learn to talk or communicate- but as you get older you learn that life is not easy. Not even close. When you're younger you have this dream of being a big kid- a teenager- a parent. When you've finally reached that point in your life; you no longer want to be that "cool" adult, you want to be that little kid that still has dreams and an imagination.

Being an adult is one of the hardest things I've ever been faced with. I have to make my own money, make my own decisions, learn from MYSELF and not others, keep friendships, hold a relationship, figure out what I'm doing with my life. So much pressure, So much commitment, So much work. HARD work.

Maybe I've been feeling this way recently because I'm realizing how so many of my friends are going off to college. They're all going to colleges that I could never get into, no matter how hard I tried. They have planned the next 4 years of their lives, while I'm sitting in the same place, not knowing what's going to happen.

confused, down, upset, lonely      

I'm not those things right now, i'm not any of those.

I'm scared.

New Things.

I've never had one of these, always wanted to, but always to scared to express how I feel. Weird I know, I never have been able to really talk, let alone let people in. I always have this wall up; this brick wall that stands many feet high and that is too hard for someone to break down on their own. I have to be willing to help tear it down and hopefully never want to build it back up.

Well here I am now, going to try this out, going to hopefully use this as much as I can, considering I refuse to talk someone who sits in a room and is paid to act like their listening and care about how you feel, when in all honesty they could give a shit less about who you are or how you're feeling.

So- here it goes.