It's hard when you have to make someone happy, and try to make yourself happy at the same time.
But,
In the end its all worth it.
Aug 18, 2010
Thoughts.
You always think that the person you love you can tell them every single thing that's on your mind, every little thing that's bothering you and every little thing that makes you happy, but you learn that you can't. You learn to stop yourself because you either don't want to hurt that person you care so much about, make your self sound better than the person, or even just make the person question or be upset with themselves.
Trust.
Why is it so hard to convince someone to trust you? Why is it so hard to convince yourself to trust that person?
Everyone has some degree and level of trust issues. And each person allows their trust issues to color the way they see the world around them, not just in relationships. Faith in the fairness of life. This faith in fairness is similar to the "boomerang belief," that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest or nurturing, they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually, get a negative favor in return, one that stings and hurts more.
Before allowing yourself to trust others you have to trust yourself. I still don't trust myself, I still don't listen to my heart first. I don't trust that my opinions or my actions are correct. I question myself everyday, I question every action, every word and every step I take.
It's weird, I trust others before I trust myself.
Maybe that's why I usually get screwed.
Everyone has some degree and level of trust issues. And each person allows their trust issues to color the way they see the world around them, not just in relationships. Faith in the fairness of life. This faith in fairness is similar to the "boomerang belief," that what you throw out to others will come back to you eventually in life. So if people are fair, honest or nurturing, they will eventually receive similar behavior aimed back at them. Having faith in fairness is an attitude that helps people be open to others and risk being vulnerable. They believe that the person who treats them negatively will eventually, get a negative favor in return, one that stings and hurts more.
Before allowing yourself to trust others you have to trust yourself. I still don't trust myself, I still don't listen to my heart first. I don't trust that my opinions or my actions are correct. I question myself everyday, I question every action, every word and every step I take.
It's weird, I trust others before I trust myself.
Maybe that's why I usually get screwed.
Change.
Last night I had to say goodbye to a good friend as she leaves for college and a new beginning. I'm so happy for her, for all my friends, but as I watch them walk away and start a new life, full of excitement and new things; I realize I'm stuck in the exact same place, and I will be for a while. I'm not worried about being bored or lonely because I'm usually neither of those things, I always find something to do, and I always have someone to keep me occupied or entertained. I'm just worried about where I'm going. I have no path, no commitment, no exact schedule. I love being organized, even though I'm usually such an unorganized person. It's that fear of not knowing where my life is taking me. I feel like I'm playing this board game where there's so many twists and turns, so many opportunities and so many obstacles.
I just hope that through all of this and through my friends college experiences that we don't distance and grow apart. My friends have truly shaped me into the person today and have given me strength to succeed as much as I have. I appreciate every single one more than I could ever imagine. I know that people change, relationships change, and friendships change- but I always think that you should hold the ones that have CHANGED you as a person close to your heart.
I just hope that through all of this and through my friends college experiences that we don't distance and grow apart. My friends have truly shaped me into the person today and have given me strength to succeed as much as I have. I appreciate every single one more than I could ever imagine. I know that people change, relationships change, and friendships change- but I always think that you should hold the ones that have CHANGED you as a person close to your heart.
“Friends are the family we choose for ourselves”
Aug 12, 2010
Anger.
When I see you, I smile. When I see you, I say hi; give you a hug and make friendly conversation.
But, to be honest, you make me angry, you make me mad, you make me so so so frustrated. The fact that someone like you could make me so upset surprises me. Now when I hear your name I cringe.
You're one of those people that could read this and get easy satisfaction. This is the exact attention that you want.
I'm not trying to give you that satisfaction.
I've realized I already give you too much.
But, to be honest, you make me angry, you make me mad, you make me so so so frustrated. The fact that someone like you could make me so upset surprises me. Now when I hear your name I cringe.
You're one of those people that could read this and get easy satisfaction. This is the exact attention that you want.
I'm not trying to give you that satisfaction.
I've realized I already give you too much.
Aug 11, 2010
Family.
I just drove my uncle home from work which was about a 20 minute drive. We didn't talk for most of it, we sat there in silence as we drove down the coast and watched the waves. We only made little conversation, like "How was work?", "Did you have fun at shaver?", "How's Caysie, How's your boyfriend?" It wasn't awkward, not one bit; we simply enjoyed each others company.
When it was time to drop him off, we said our goodbyes as he opened the door and said "I love you." He started walking away and ran back as if he forgot something. He yelled "Dakota stop!" I stopped my car suddenly. He opened the car door and came back inside. He sat down and began another conversation. This time it wasn't short talk, wasn't mumbling, wasn't questions. He talked this time from his heart, from his caring, big, heart. I've never seen his heart before, I've never felt it, I've never had the opportunity to experience how warm it is.
He started to tell me about how my future is what I make it, my friends determine who I am as a person, my choices will determine the rest of my life. He started to talk to me about the problems he faced in his life with addiction, cigarettes, alcohol. He talked about working, and making your own money and how you should set a good life for yourself and make good examples. To be honest, I've heard most of this from my dad but from him it was different. He talked about my dad and about how his heart is huge, about how he cares about others before himself.
All of what he was saying affected me, it brought me to tears. But what really made me break down was the moment he said "You should be proud of yourself." "You should pat yourself on the back because you deserve more than what you have settled for." "You should be proud of yourself for never breaking down, you and your brother." No one, not ONE person has ever praised who I am and has to told me to be proud of myself. No one has ever made me feel for one MINUTE, for one SECOND like I deserve to be here as much as he did. He made me realize to be proud of who I am, to be thankful of who I am, and to be thankful and proud of what I accomplished.
When it was time to drop him off, we said our goodbyes as he opened the door and said "I love you." He started walking away and ran back as if he forgot something. He yelled "Dakota stop!" I stopped my car suddenly. He opened the car door and came back inside. He sat down and began another conversation. This time it wasn't short talk, wasn't mumbling, wasn't questions. He talked this time from his heart, from his caring, big, heart. I've never seen his heart before, I've never felt it, I've never had the opportunity to experience how warm it is.
He started to tell me about how my future is what I make it, my friends determine who I am as a person, my choices will determine the rest of my life. He started to talk to me about the problems he faced in his life with addiction, cigarettes, alcohol. He talked about working, and making your own money and how you should set a good life for yourself and make good examples. To be honest, I've heard most of this from my dad but from him it was different. He talked about my dad and about how his heart is huge, about how he cares about others before himself.
All of what he was saying affected me, it brought me to tears. But what really made me break down was the moment he said "You should be proud of yourself." "You should pat yourself on the back because you deserve more than what you have settled for." "You should be proud of yourself for never breaking down, you and your brother." No one, not ONE person has ever praised who I am and has to told me to be proud of myself. No one has ever made me feel for one MINUTE, for one SECOND like I deserve to be here as much as he did. He made me realize to be proud of who I am, to be thankful of who I am, and to be thankful and proud of what I accomplished.
The people you least expect could make you feel the strongest, the happiest, and the most thankful.
So thank you Uncle Eddie. I love you.
Happiness.
"When I was 5 years old, my mom told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school,
they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "Happy." They told me I didn't
understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life."
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