Good Enough.

Do I make him happy? Does he question being with me? Does he ever think about her? Those are the most annoying, scary, ugly questions my heart and my mind play with me. It's like that nagging fly that you try to shoo away but it never leaves you alone. You always ask your self are you good enough. Fuck being good enough---- fuck worrying.

My thoughts, my mind games, my worrying is what makes problems and the relationship sometimes unsteady. It brings out the ugly side of me, the jealous, self conscious side of me. My mind holds on to the things it shouldn't. It holds on to things that shouldn't matter anymore. It remembers exact text messages, exact words, exact actions that don't do anything but tear me apart. Those 4 words "Wish I still Was" doesn't fucking leave my head, it makes me nauseous, makes me nervous, makes me scared, makes me wonder.
I never hurt as much as I did when I read those 2 text messages. My heart has never sunk so far into my stomach. I have never felt so much pain, so much hatred for someone, so much betrayal.

I struggled with letting that jealousy go for 5 months. I finally have been letting it go; finally have been believing and trusting that it's ME he loves, but my heart likes to tease me, likes to make me wonder, likes to play sick selfish games with my head.

I try so hard to make him happy, so hard to be that girl that he looks at and says "WOW, I'm the luckiest guy ever." You always want to be good enough, always want to be the best you can be for a person. You want to be that other persons shoulder, that other persons smile. You want to bring the best out in that person and even if I haven't reached it yet - I won't give up until I have reached it, until I have a grasp on it, a strong tight grasp.


Does he love me?


or 


Does he love her?

or am I so ridiculous to be thinking any of this in the first place.